I resolve to use my blog more often in 2011.

At least in recent times, I have often chosen to keep my blog simply for me, and turned the visibility option to private. While some of my entries may still be private, I resolve to blog at least one a week, and to use the dailypost.wordpress.com for inspiration.

I intend to blog at least per week. So, what are you waiting for? Give voice to your life.

And, if you are wondering how to participate in this awesome phenomenon, here’s how:

1. “Post on your blog, right now, that you’re participating
2. (You can grab a sample post from dailypost.wordpress.com)
3. Use the tag postaday2011 or postaweek2011 in your posts (tips on tagging here)
4. Go to dailypost.wordpress.com
5. Subscribe to dailypost.wordpress.com– you’ll get reminders and inspirations every day to help you bring your full potential to your WordPress blog!”

In the struggle to find balance,

Maxx Phoenix

What would own bit don’t now

I would like to either own my car (have it paid off) or own a small house, with solar panels and a small yard with a fence so I could have a dog. I would like the house to be close to the mountains and outside of town. the nightly sirens weigh on my consciousness.

another day, another dentist visit

it is no wonder, on days like this, that i have survived so much. one might consider, upon hearing some of my stories, that i chose not to succumb the terror that often grips me in the context of dentist chair, or the sadness that festers when one of my teeth is pulled, and my mouth is yet again transformed.

transformation does not always stipulate that what comes next is beautiful. it simply indicates that once was exists no more and in its stead, something else has morphed.

today, though, was tough. my dentists are great. yet, the pressure to remove one tiny root tip was extraordinary. when it was finished, i was surprised that weren’t holes in the dentist chair from my legs and feet writhing. you ever have that feeling of being caught and yet knowing there is no way to escape and that after “it” — whatever that is — is finished, you will be glad you stuck around? that’s me.

but alas, it’s two minutes until i go back to work. so exhausted. (to be continued)

 

When push comes to shove

While I completely understand that today’s title is a common idiom, I still feel like I am being shoved by the universe today into my intentions for the year of taking good care of myself.

I grew up poor and experienced the world of AFDC (aid for families with dependent children), aka, welfare. During that time, dental care was not really a priority. I inherited many of my father’s traits. Unfortunately, I inherited my mother’s genes when it comes to matters of the mouth. Coupled with childhood poverty and a huge fear of dentists, with additional spans of years without dental insurance, and an industry that not only is inadequate when it comes to addressing the financial burdens of dental health but also an industry that is classist — let’s pull it since you’re poor. I kid you not. I have heard that refrain more than once.

And, you get to be nearly 40, with a whole lot of expensive options, a mouthful of pain that vicodin can’t even touch, and an immense amount of shame and questions about desirability, identity and more.

Most people would not think any part of one’s identity would be wrapped up in the state of one’s mouth, and even the options that might accompany. You see, if I had $20,000, I could have a whole new mouth with implants to boot. If I go the cheap route, I get dentures and a mindfrak of whether that would mean I would still be desirable. And, you have nights like I have had over the weekend that result in a mouth full of pain worse than any kind of pain that I have experienced, except perhaps for a broken heart.

i just feel like crying. and, to beat it all, i could have probably saved a lot of my teeth at some point if i had enough money and if the places i went to had listened to me about clearing the cavities first.

i have no idea how to make this decision. i just can’t stand this pain.

2010 Reflections and Progress

I spent most of 2010 living in the mountains of northern Colorado, and enjoyed some of it. The kind of enjoyment that comes from living outside of nature’s doorstep, and inside her landscape. The view outside of my windows was a pine tree covered mountainside, and much of the first few months of 2010, snow covered the landscape. Deer would often remind me to be more gentle with myself, while chipmunks in early spring reminded me of how playful curiosity could be a fantastic quality, a life-sustaining quality.

Last year was also wrought with hard-won lessons, and more than a few moments of self-doubt, and a precipice of holding up the mirror for myself and sometimes not liking what I saw. I had put a few intentions out into the universe for the new year during Samhain of 2009. The themes included were:

• letting go of fear and relinquishing negative patterns
• go deeper into a spiritual life
• take better care of myself, including to quit smoking
• volunteer more
• write every day
• be better in relationships with people
• grieve and let go

As I consider 2010, and bid it adieu, I realize I am breathing a bit easier with the start of a new calendar year. Last year was full of  epiphanies that will carry over in 2011. When I think about my biggest accomplishments, I pause. Rather than a single important accomplishment, several things were accomplished last year. Some of the things I learned and/or accomplished include:

• I chose to continue not to smoke. In fact, even as I write this, I recognize it has been over a year and two months since I have smoked. However, the gods know I have been tempted.
• I moved off of the mountain after realizing not only I could no longer afford to live there financially, but could not afford to live there emotionally. I found a sweet place and am making peace with unpacking lots of boxes of “miscellaneous” items. Some of those items have been in boxes since 2006/7.
• I won NANOWRIMO and wrote a novel of 52,115 words. Currently, I am in the process of editing it, and determining what to add to it, where to add to it. I am thankful for my writer’s group, Scribophile, the Office of Letters and Light, and Scribendi.
• I read for fun, and in so doing, realized I needed to feed my brain, and that working in academia does not always accomplish that.
• I also realized that I am way overextended, and hope to pull back. However, I also volunteered some with a library, and that made me extraordinarily happy.
• I created a ritual for shedding a past relationship, and one of the members of my family of choice was there to bear witness as the ritual progressed and letters were burnt. Something shifted then.
• I invited community in, and community has come in. Sometimes I go kicking and screaming; however, I am very clear that I cannot pretend to not need people. The reality is that I do.
• I lost two four-legged friends, and I was not even their person. I was their occasional person, or their substitute person. I love(d) them fiercely, and mourn their passing nearly every day. I hope that at some point it gets easier. The accomplishment in this is that I recognize the loss, and call it that.
• I got a great tattoo, and am thrilled that it reminds me of a friend who passed a few years ago, and whom I loved fiercely. The ink gives me perspective.
• I would say that one of my last accomplishments/highlights from last year is that I began to set boundaries with people in my life, including my family of origin, about what was permissible behavior and what was not. I feel really good about that.

So, I think that’s about it. I am certain I have forgotten something. However, as I look forward to 2011, I am reminded me that most of us are more apt to point out the places where we fall short, or where we think we have not succeeded. I dare you to remember what it is you do well, the lessons you have learned even from the hard places, and take a moment to not only be grateful for what is good in your life, but to also congratulate yourself on the places where you offer the world skills, talents, positive things on a daily basis. Go ahead… write yourself a “Great job note”, stash it and send it to yourself a few months from now. Most of us have a difficult time doing this. I certainly do. I can tell anyone the places I feel I need to grow, the places I fall short. It is harder for me to point out what I think I do really well, and take ownership of that.

So, what are you good at? Where did you succeed in 2010? What did you learn? What are you proudest of?

Me… I am proudest of remaining alive, and despite many odds, finding ways to thrive instead of merely get by. I am good at many things, including public speaking, writing, being a good friend, and connecting people with resources. If I were to write myself a note and send it to myself in  a few months, I would remind myself that treating myself with as much compassion as I do others is significant and needed. I hope to treat myself with the same kindness and compassion as I treat others. And, that will be the beginning of a future blog… where will my intentions take me in 2011.

Three countries to visit, three reasons to go, three years times 2 to get there

I have thought about this questions over the last day. I thought perhaps I would conjure different answers, or scry the sky for another suggestion. The sky was full of clouds, blue hues, and the sun, yet nothing different. I figure it will take me at least six years to get to all of these countries.

1. Greece has been one a country I have wanted to visit since I was a kid. My father is Greek, and immigrated when he was around 20. I built the Parthenon out of paper towel and toilet paper rolls when I was in the sixth grade, and dreamt of being transported there. I still have not met most of my family of origin on my father’s side, and while I wonder what they might think of this queer boi, I want to meet them. I have a cousin with the same name as me. I want to learn about my family’s ancestry and heritage, and I can think of no better way than to do that while meeting them in person. While I would like to travel to a variety of places within Greece, I would like to go to Kalamata, Athens, Lesbos, Argos, and Thessaloniki.

2. I would like to travel to Venice, Italy. I have heard mixed reviews of the city, though feel drawn there. Mystery, adventure, nooks and crannies await. After reading The Passion by Jeannette Winterson, my desire to experience Venice multiplied. I cannot quite wrap my head around Venice;  i think it is a city that must be experienced.

3. I would like to travel to Central and South America. I have always wanted to go, and I think part of that is because I would experience a world outside of my own cultures in multiple ways.

2011 Reflection, aka, writing prompts from Scibophile

1. As a writer, how did 2010 go for you?

As a writer, 2010 was better than 2009. I wrote 52,115 words for NANOWRIMO alone. In fact, that novel is something that I think about several times a day. What do the characters look like? What did the actual “wired war” entail? Who won? What will the characters tell their children, their neighbors, their lovers? How do spirituality, relationship, and connection relate to all of the characters, including the land and elements? To say the novel has gotten under my skin would be an understatement. I have also participated in a few writing contests, and provided some critiques. Oh! And, I wrote my first ritual!

I have written a few speeches, and when I say “written”, I mean I have given speeches I wish I had written down. I have written reports for work, though they have been rather lackluster. Writing is meant to have an audience; without one, how does writing have an impact?  Overall, I am pleased with finally re-engaging with my writing and hope to hone it more this year.

2. How much did you write?

Seriously? I don’t know. More than 52,115 words and less than a million? Does email count? Facebook?

3.  How much did you read?

Not nearly as much as I wanted to. I can honestly say, however, that Zoo Story: Life in the Garden of Captives by Thomas French, was by far one of my most favorite stories. The book focused on zoos, and a few families of animals. The focus included the history of how the animals came to the zoo in the first place. French asks hard questions, and questions I am still mulling: How does an African wildlife reserve balance the need to preserve elephants’ lives and the need to preserve the habitat and the other animals living there? How does one reconcile that elephants remember what happens to them, what they witness? How do we, as human beings, negotiate the ethical dilemmas that arise when we consider zoos and aquariums, the means by which animals are acquired, and the education so desperately needed to preserve their lives? I read a few books by Laurell K. Hamilton from the Anita Blake series, yet frankly was bored with at least one. I tried to read more than I could realistically. However, I also read No Plot, No Problem by Chris Baty, the founder of National Novel Writing Month (NANOWRIMO), am reading Barbara Kingsolver’s  Animal, Vegetable, and Miracle, and hope to read bell hooks’ Belonging: A Culture of Place. I find myself longing for Kentucky and/or Appalachian and/or Southern writers.

Oh! And, I read Eat, Pray, Love and loved it. And, I began reading Writing Down the Bones by Natalie Goldberg. And, read Scott Pilgrim 1 & 2. Couldn’t read anymore of those.

4.  What were the main things that kept you from your goals?

As cliché as it is, I would say, “lack of time.” However, more than that, I would say, lack of focus and restlessness. I think, too, my soul felt shifts coming and so more attention was paid to those. In fact, I think those shifts were partly responsible for the ability to complete NANOWRIMO. I think too that one of the reasons I did not write as much personally is two-fold: 1. I was afraid to be that vulnerable with my self in my journal, and 2. i felt incredibly scattered until June of this year when I visited a few friends, including my family of choice.

5.  What did you do to stay on track?

Did yoga in three different states – Colorado, Iowa, & Michigan. Went to Iowa and Michigan, as well as the San Luis Valley. Created and implemented a ritual of letting go, of shedding. Wrote like a fiend in November. Attended write-ins, and met with my writer’s group. Also, I moved back into town. Used write or die and storyist for NANO.

6.  And what will the ‘big change’ in 2011 be for you?

I will choose to not be my own worst critic, and choose to love myself and one way to do that is to write every day.  I will continue reading Goldberg’s book, and may re-read Dorothy Allison’s Trash. i plan to travel to the San Luis Valley, and back to Michigan, with perhaps a pitstop in Kentucky. I will keep editing and  critiquing my work, and participating in my writer’s group. And, I will choose to invite community in. I think by being a part of community, and having community locally, I thrive. In that thriving, writing happens for me.

Logistically, i will plot out NANOWRIMO 🙂 and participate in Script Frenzy if possible. I will also use Scribophile as a means to help edit, and use Scrivener as a storyboard and clearinghouse for everything I write. I will also take better care of my health, and go on artist’s dates — including the rockhenge north of town, and the labyrinth near Hospice south of town. And, i plan to do yoga. Lastly, I aim to win NANO again, and write every day.

Nanowrimo

audre lorde and sheroes

I am thankful for those inspirations whom I have known only through books, and those still living: Audre Lorde, S. Bear Bergman, Dorothy Allison, Amber Hollibaugh, Sylvia Rivera, Barbara Smith, Mandy Carter, Kate Bornstein,Gloria Anzuldua, and more.  You sustain me, even when I doubt.  Thank you so much.

Grateful for…

sunrises and sunlight that illuminate mountainsides while the moon is high in the sky.